Get your rubber gloves on, kids. You're gonna wanna get out the brain bleach after watching these bad movies.
Let’s face it: We’ve all got those days where we think everyone should just go step on a Lego; days where our minds are just buzzing and won’t settle. It could be anger, sadness, or just a horrifying boredom coupled with an existential crisis. Everyone has their own way of dealing – but have you ever tried out watching bad movies?
It’s about time
you tried it out, and I’ve got a list of really bad movies
to help you get started. Get your rubber gloves on, kids. We’re
getting out the brain bleach.
Sharknado (2013)
As its title would suggest, this is a
tear-jerking coming-of-age film about twin sisters who are separated
by birth and—no, of course not. Sharknado is about, not one,
but three tornados making landfall in California. The twist here is
that these tornadoes each carry hundreds of sharks picked up from the
ocean. And all of these sharks a) have miraculously remained alive in
the vortex, b) are actively looking for people to kill, and c) are
strong enough to conveniently survive thousand-meter falls to
conveniently-placed floods (apparently from the rain and the rising
sea levels). And if they don’t fall into the water, they survive
hitting the cement.
Crowning moment of glorious stupid (among many): The protagonists convene and decide on a solution to the sharknadoes and decide that, because normal tornadoes occur because of conflicting temperatures, they need to throw a bomb directly into the eye of each tornado to stop them. They accomplish this themselves (without any military or police aid) by flying a conveniently placed helicopter towards the tornadoes, and having someone stick herself out of it to throw homemade bombs directly into the center of each one. Easy-peasy.
Crowning moment of glorious stupid (among many): The protagonists convene and decide on a solution to the sharknadoes and decide that, because normal tornadoes occur because of conflicting temperatures, they need to throw a bomb directly into the eye of each tornado to stop them. They accomplish this themselves (without any military or police aid) by flying a conveniently placed helicopter towards the tornadoes, and having someone stick herself out of it to throw homemade bombs directly into the center of each one. Easy-peasy.
This just in – the entire world (see:
no one but the main characters) has been changed by the emergence of
the bird flu, an illness literally affecting only birds and causing
them to randomly slash people and claw their eyes out. And peeing
acid urine. The only solution: To shoot at all the birds (with the
four conveniently-present guns that the ex-Army guy they conveniently
run into has got in his van) and to stop global warming. If that
doesn’t sound bad enough, you can add in terrible computer
graphics, choppy sound recording, horrifyingly awkward dialogue,
glacial pacing, alarming character choices, pointless
not-actually-very-sexy scenes, and hand-waved events.
Crowning moment of glorious stupid
(among many): “Hey look, a fishing rod! I can go catch some
fish,” says the male protagonist, surprised to discover said rod
after opening the trunk of their van several times throughout the
movie. “Oh look, a stove. We can go cook it.”
Everyone gets out of the car to go to
the beach, where they fish for fish and gather seaweed at the
seashore. As they cook what they’ve got shabu-shabu style in the
open air, surprise, surprise: Eagles attack.
Let’s step away from the mutant
animals for just a second, shall we?
There are a million terrible movies
about love triangles and secret affairs, and by far, The Room
is the worst – and the most notorious. There are three sex scenes
(complete with cheesy ballads in the background) within the first
half hour, with more to follow. On screen, we’ve got the blonde and
needy woman, the “kind” dependable fiancé, and the infinitely
better-looking best friend of said fiancé. And topping that, we’ve
got a million clichés: the constant ranting about the opposite sex,
the macho sissy fight over the woman, and the ignored voices of
reason that tell the not-so-secret lovers to just break it off
already. It shouldn’t be that hard, considering that the guy
has got banshee hair and wears baggy pants. Think of it as an entire
three seasons of a badly-written (and acted out) soap opera
compressed into an hour and forty minutes.
Crowning moment of glorious stupid:
When our two not-so-secret lovers start making out during the
fiancé’s birthday party. In the living room, while everyone’s
just outside. They get caught, of course. Thank goodness for poetic
justice.
And now, we return to the land of crazy
premises.
Keep an open mind for this next one:
Imagine if dinosaurs weren’t extinct. Got that? Good. Now imagine
that the dinosaurs only faked their extinction millions of
years ago, and are actually living amongst us now. Next, imagine that
they use state of the art holograms to disguise themselves as other
humans. And then imagine that they’re only biding their time before
they decide to overthrow the humans and rule the world once more.
And is Anonymous Rex a disaster
film? A ghost story? A science fiction feature? A light-hearted
family comedy? No. It’s a detective film. Written in the noir
style. The main character is literally a velociraptor who works as a
private detective.
Go lie down and despair (or
alternately, marvel) at how far humanity has come.
Crowning moment of glorious stupid:
Velociraptor’s got a partner, who happens to be a triceratops. Said
triceratops’ daughter gets kidnapped – when he sees the
perpetrator, he runs at him and uses his horns to kill him,
conveniently stabbing him and ramming him into a wire fence.
Unfortunately, this isn’t the
sequel to Rose and Jack’s epic love story. Titanic II is
literally about a ship named Titanic II, which looks almost identical
to the Titanic you’re probably thinking of. Launched exactly a
hundred years after the original sank. Following the exact same route
that led to said sinking, except in reverse – going from New York,
New York to Southampton, England.
Does that sound ominous to you? No?
Let’s add in the fact that global warming has apparently caused the
super-quick destruction of glaciers, which drop chunks of ice so huge
that they can cause a tsunami-sized wave at any given moment. And
that icebergs just might happen to be hanging around near Titanic
II’s route.
Crowning moment of glorious stupid
(among many): You read that memo about Titanic and icebergs,
right? Well, the inevitable happens, and the entire sideboard side of
the ship is crushed, putting a lot of pressure on the liner’s
turbines – which explode, practically splitting the ship in
half, and cause a hella huge bonfire.
And then another tsunami hits the
ship and flips it upside-down.
Films that I didn’t have the
courage to watch:
- Birdemic 2: The Resurrection
- Sharknado 2: The Second One
- Trolls 2
- A Talking Cat?!
- Dog Soldiers
- Foodfight!
- Robocroc
- Sharktopus
- Stonado
- Piranhaconda
- Mega Python vs. Gatoroid
Article by PaCho
Art by Yanna
All posters taken from IMDb.com
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PaCho is the nickname of a full-time fangirl who wants an infinite amount of money with which to travel the world and buy merchandise. This girl is currently amassing the skills to achieve these goals, and collecting stories and perspectives along the way (to consequently be the best that no one ever was) at a university. She will smile in satisfaction at the fall of the patriarchy and Western domination of international affairs. She is only half-joking about this (which means that she's completely serious).
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